Santa Claws is Coming to Town
| Animals & Nature | November 26 | 8 Comments
Holy Jesus Christ Overview Grizzly bears. Let’s be honest, I could probably end this column right there and it would have done its job. But being a professional, I feel obligated to continue. The grizzly bear is one of most ferocious animals to ever call this planet home. Its dark domain stretches from the northern U.S. all the way up to Alaska, although some scientists theorize a long-extinct larger ancestor may have inhabited every part of the known world. Wildlife experts advise citizens who encounter a grizzly in the wild not to run away, as the bears deride cowardice and are known to engage in a sadistic form of “play” with victims that attempt to escape. History records two major attempts by humans to domesticate the beast. The first was a concentrated effort in the late 15th century by unified Native American tribes, while the second was a project undertaken by European Jews during the mid-1930’s. Both campaigns ended catastrophically for all involved.
This is the only existing image of the grizzly mating ritual. There were no survivors. Reproduction Grizzly courtship habits are little-known and rarely studied, as the mating process typically wipes out all other life within a 1- to 2-mile radius, depending on the size of the animals involved. Nonetheless, certain documented evidence suggests the bears understand mating as more than just a reproductive act, to a degree rarely seen outside of primates. According to Alan Sherman, former grizzly researcher and only known surviving witness to a grizzly sexual encounter: “It was almost like…like they knew I was there. It wasn’t even mating season, but they knew, and they decided to give it a toss just to spite me. They’re horrible, evil things, grizzlies. I’d suggest we just kill them all and be done with it, but I…I don’t think they’d let us.” Curiously, the anatomy of the female grizzly lacks a traditional birth canal. Instead, when the litter of cubs within the womb has fully developed, they tear their way out in a grotesque display before turning on one another and engaging in a fantastic fight to the death that can last up to a week. The winner devours the carcasses of his or her siblings and grows to adult size.
A North American Grizzly gets the drop on its favorite food: children. Behavior and Habits Though grizzlies can weigh nearly a ton, they’re capable of reaching running speeds of up to 25 miles an hour. The bear subsists primarily on a diet of fish and larger mammals such as elk and caribou, though it finds the spleen of human children a particular delicacy if any is available. Native Americans offered the weakest of their brood to the animals annually in the hope of coaxing the beasts into mating at a safe distance from their villages. Grizzlies enter a period of hibernation during the winter. This is a necessary survival reflex, allowing the species they prey upon to repopulate during these months and ensure a steady food supply. Fossil records indicate this adaptation developed in the bear’s ancestors shortly after the mass extinction event of the late Cretaceous period. These are facts, people. Think you know awesome animals better than KhakiMan? We’d like you to prove it.
